Awakening & Becoming: My Journey to Self Acceptance

by Caillete Ashthorn

If you aren’t familiar with what an awakening or becoming is I highly recommend reading this article [https://thevampyrecoven.com/vampyre-awakening/] and come back.

My Awakening

When I first awakened as a teenager I had a twisted perspective of what a vampyre was or should be. My early childhood had begun with ritualized abuse at the hands of individuals who believed they were making me immortal through their abuse and believed themselves to be vampyres. No they aren’t associated with any large and well known organization, don’t even think about it.

So as a teenager when I first felt the craving for blood my past abuse convinced that it was a darkness in me, something that had infected me as a child waiting for the day it could reawaken and destroy everything I love and worked for. That’s not how it works but I didn’t know that at the time.

So what did I do? I went full Twilight, convinced I was a monster like those who’d hurt me. I starved myself of blood and energy to prove I was better than them. Only feeding when I felt like my impulse control was lapsing to a dangerous level.

I remember the first time I told someone I was a vampyre, I was horrified. I didn’t understand the community and that there were others like me at the time, and remember I thought I was immortal in body and soul.

The person I told accepted me anyway, I guess as teenagers do. I was probably about 14 at this point.

Then I met her…my first swan. I told her about me and she accepted me for who and what I was in an instant even with our twisted understanding of it. She didn’t see us as a monster like we saw ourselves and she loved us for it (At least at first). She became the first person I chose to intentionally drink from and as a result she was my first Swan.

Quick disclaimer: Teenagers man. (Just in case its not clear, don’t do that). In my early day’s, my swan and I were playing very loose with anatomy, our lives, and blood borne pathogens. Now as an adult I know the importance of vetting donors and true harm reductive measures, we didn’t understand or have any teachers as young as we were. For obvious reasons the community is primarily 18/21+ and was during the height of my awakening.

My awakening began during the time where forums existed but were on their way out, people had closed most things down for anyone under 18, and sangs of any kind were seen as lesser. So we decided to do it anyway and I wear the scars today still from those mistakes. Please do your research before feeding on blood, human or otherwise.

Okay back to the article:

My first swan and I had a messy breakup, we were dating as well and honestly the relationship was pretty toxic. Unfortunately after, I decided I was the worst creature to live because I was a vampyre. Bad take honestly.

Then I met my next ex who didn’t believe in vampyre’s and over time he isolated me from the community and my vampyrism and I went into a several year denial period. This spread into the beginning of my next relationship and well into my early twenties and college.

It wasn’t until I’d broken up with my ex during college that I started meeting others like me again and feeding again. That’s when I finally started realizing I was wrong about what being a vampyre meant.

My Becoming

Becoming was introduced to me by Madame Corvidae and members of The Mobtown Halo/The Vampyre Coven but I was experiencing it before I knew “what” it was, just like awakening.

So like I’d said the catalyst for returning to the community was breaking up with my partner at the time and finally accepting myself as I was. At least I tried. I definitely fell victim to the “poor me” vampire trope from a lot of media. Part of my becoming actually was learning to “grow” out of that mentality.

So the first step I tried to find community locally and I did. I found some people who were new to their vampyrism and they started coming to me to ask questions about what was going on with them. They hadn’t gone through an earlier awakening so they were new to everything. These people would become my closest friends and eventually my family and house. (For further reading on Houses I recommend https://thevampyrecoven.com/how-to-vampyre-houses/).

In my search for local community I’d also discovered The Black Rose Society (BRS) which at the time as far as I understand was a German based Vampyre Organization that had spread worldwide through things like discord. I personally joined the discord. Sadly, they weren’t a perfect fit for me and they eventually moved away from being a primarily vampyre based server before I left.

After finding the BRS and being in their discord for some time I found an old web page for “The Mobtown Halo” listing someone named Madame Jessica Corvidae as the “Queen” of a Court of Baltimore. I can’t remember the website now but it hadn’t been active in some time and I honestly didn’t think I’d get anywhere but I went ahead and contacted the group. To my surprise not only did someone answer, they were active and had just dissolved the Court of Baltimore but were working on connecting and expanding the local community.

I cautiously joined one of her groups and honestly the rest is history. In the time since joining Madame Corvidae’s groups I’ve learned so much about not only the Greater Vampyre Community (GVC) and its history but also myself through her continuous pondering and unrelenting acceptance of herself and her vampyrism. In Jessica’s group I found community and authenticity. With that and my House, I’d found my people.

Turns out all I needed was community that took pride in their vampyrism to realize that being a vampyre wasn’t a curse. Being a vampyre for me just is, and like anything about me that is, I can chose how I feel about it. This is my character and I get to customize it, and that doesn’t mean that I’m anything like the people who hurt me. I can chose to be proud of my vampyrism. I can chose to wear my fangs anywhere I please (within reason), I can be me without all the baggage all the time. Being a vampyre doesn’t *have* to mean hating yourself.

Further Reading

Have questions? I highly recommend checking thevampyrecoven.com’s archives they probably have an answer on there somewhere for you and if not? They probably are working on it.