Learning to Recognize Harmful Behaviors in Vampyre Community Spaces

We all know that there are folks from all walks of life in every community. One thing that many don’t like to acknowledge is that the VC has a big problem with folks who groom and abuse whoever they can. Some of these folks have a simple lust for power and may not understand how harmful their language and behaviors are, while others know exactly what they are doing, honing their behaviors over time, and creating new sobriquets and social media accounts whenever they are caught by the community or by the law.

How does one identify these folks? How do we fine tune our discernment to see folks before they see us? How do we remove ourselves from the spaces and relationships that become harmful?

The first thing is to trust your intuition. If something feels off, it most likely is. Now, there are some folks who for whatever reason know that they cannot trust their intuition. For you, I suggest finding a friend that you can trust or following a checklist of traits and behaviors. This is especially important if someone comes across like they are in a position of power. It is okay and necessary to question things! You are not being mean, unruly, disrespectful, or divisive.

Next, do your research. Check out their socials, watch for a while before engaging. How do they respond to others, what tone does their communication take? How do they talk to or treat people that they believe are “less than” they are? How do they act when they think no one is looking or when they think they won’t get caught or be held accountable? Google the person – some folks do have warnings posted or a criminal record that is public and will mention what they have a record for. Ask around in various communities to determine if someone knows them and what experience they’ve had with them.

I mentioned a checklist earlier. Here is one that I offer to folks when they are looking to work with a magic or energy practitioner, but it works just as well for fellow VC folks, again especially for those who are in or are looking for power.

Here are some red flags. It is by no means an inclusive list!
– the person claims to have super-special gifts that no one else has, or were gifted to them and them alone by a super-duper-special supreme being
– the person is the only one who can fix your problem(s)
– the person uses guilt, shame, and fear to keep you coming back (and paying for their time/services)
– the person uses love bombing, they make you feel special and unique before they’ve even gotten to know you
– the person uses mirroring, many abusers mirror back our own traits and interests to build a false sense intimacy
– the person uses abusive techniques that include but are not limited to: gaslighting, deflection, strawman arguments, bypassing, goalpost moving, lying, triangulation, being dismissive
– the person says that you are super-special and has gifts only they can teach you about
– the person tells you who you were in a previous life (and bonus points for if they claim that you were super-duper-special in that past life)
– the person has all the answers and they have the absolute, unquestionable truth
– the person cannot produce receipts or gets defensive when asked for them
– the person doesn’t like to be or is intolerant to being questioned
– the person has a fragile ego and is constantly defensive
– the person is a bully to everyone but their loyal followers
– the person keeps asking for money for new and different issues that are not clearly communicated and just happen to appear out of nowhere
– the person knows information about you that they use to manipulate you (especially with guilt or shame)
– the person has a throng of super-loyal followers who do shitty things on behalf of the person and will gang-up on and bully dissenters
– the person attempts to isolate you from your support network
– the person talks shit about their competition or feels that everyone is out to get them
– the person seemingly has no colleagues or equals
– the person has obviously not done a lot of self-healing work
– the person has not done any self-decolonization work, claims only love and light, and consistently silences or maligns marginalized voices
– the person is too good to be true
– and absolutely, most importantly that you feel something is “off” or your trusted loved-ones just “doesn’t like them” but no one can say why

What do you do if you think you have come across a harmful person? Take your space. Limit engagement. Be busy and unavailable and ghost if necessary. The best thing you can do is be boring, don’t get emotionally triggered and don’t let them know if they’ve gotten under your skin. These folks love to get a rise out of people, it makes them feel vindicated and powerful, and especially if they are vampires, it is free food! Block them and give your friends a heads up. You’re not talking shit, you’re spreading information.

If you come across this person in an irl space (not just online) the above still applies. The technique is called “grey rock” and makes you appear an unappetizing meal. You can read more about this technique here and here. If anyone is making you feel uncomfortable, let the leaders or organizers know. If those folks don’t care or refuse to address it in some way, leave. These people also do not have your, or their community’s best interest in mind.

The other thing I suggest is to develop a strong sense of self and good boundaries. We live in a time when boundaries are often ignored and where consent is absent. Building up your sense of self and having good boundaries means that even if you don’t see someone coming, you are a lot more difficult to get to and your intuition warning will go off faster.

The goal is to be comfortable and confident interacting with others in the VC. Ignoring the reality that there are harmful people doesn’t mean they go away, it just makes you a victim faster. I hope this helps you to develop the discernment, skills, and behaviors needed to protect yourself and be as safe as you can when interacting with others, be it online or in person.

Please also read Real Vampire Community Personal Safety & Privacy Awareness  for more information.