Wanting to be a Vampyre

An Article about the desire to be a Vampyre, by Sanguinarius
Originally posted on Sanguinarius.org

~~Wanting to BE Vampires~~

People wanting to be vampires.  Rather, they want to be what they think or want a vampire to be.  When/if they BECOME a vampire, they don’t get to pick and choose stuff like in role-playing games, etc.  You want to be a vampire.  You get to be a vampire.  Just that, and nothing more, and nothing less.  And once you’re a vampire, it’s not like you can take it back to the store and exchange it or get a refund.  You find out, gee, I really do have a problem finding blood without attacking people.  There’s no one around willing to just donate to you…  What do you do?  Well, if you’re not a vampire, you can end your little fantasy when it become incon-freaking-enient.  It doesn’t go away.  Then it’s not fantasy anymore, it’s reality.  Cold, hard, merciless reality, and you’re in jail because you grabbed someone off the street and cut them because you weren’t thinking clearly at the time.  Too bad, tell it to the judge.  Like he gives a shit about some damned crazy person he’s about to order to be committed for evaluation of their sanity.

Then you’re locked up in a ward somewhere and you don’t even have access to sharp objects.  Let alone your freedom, and the ability to at least roam around,  haunting goth clubs in the vein hope of finding someone who WILL give or trade or sell it.  That’s when you really suffer.  Because your body doesn’t give a rat’s ass where you are, it just knows what it needs.

*    *    *

Once you’re turned, it’s permanent, so if you just think it’s cool, or that you’d love to be a vampire because then you’d have it made. … Yeah, you’d have it made. — Your bed, that is, and you’d have to lie in it, too.

So don’t go saying you want to be a vampire — unless you know what it entails.

 I said, I want to be a travel agent.  I was thinking of all the glamour and the exotic destinations I’d get to visit, etc.  Well, I went and did it.  I went through a school and got to be a certified travel agent.  I realized it, too, wasn’t what I thought it was — at all.  Fortunately, I could choose: be one or not be one.  I’d changed my mind about it, after having experienced some of its reality: sitting at a desk, dealing with difficult people, frantically calling places on the phone to schedule things, searching my butt off for the lowest airfare combo, and above all, maintaining my composure and civility!  I didn’t like it, so I just stopped doing it and went and did something else that I DID like.  Vampirism ain’t like that.

Some people are well-suited for the travel industry, some are not.  I thought I would be. Afterwards, I found out that I was wrong.  Same with being a vampire.  I can stop being a travel agent, whenever and if-ever I choose; but I’m stuck with being a vampire.

Listen to what I said, people!

I didn’t escape jack-shit.  I still have to find work.  I still have to pay bills.  I still have to scoop cat crap, and pick up hairballs they’ve yacked up.  I still have people give me dirty looks, I still have to obey the law.  I don’t have mystical powers over people; they don’t do my bidding any more than I do theirs.  I did not develop preternatural grace and beauty.

Now, I have to deal with such things as sunshine glinting off chrome (which is everywhere) and blinding me.  I have to deal with the fact that I have this damned thirst that is always plaguing me.  I have to deal with things like pepperoncini peppers (salad peppers) being too hot to handle (but they do great wonders in helping out with the Thirst…).  I have to deal with people that I trust enough to tell them this stuff, not believing me and thinking I’m another nutcase.  I have to deal with…myriad bullshit things.  I have to deal with wannabes asking me to turn them, when if it came right down to it, they’d freak out.  I have to deal with posers who try to convince me that they’re the real thing.  I have to deal with people who tell me I’m not a vampire, but they are, and they’ll be so gracious as to waste their oh-so-valuable time on tossing me tiny tidbits of their ancient, incredibly vast and secret knowledge.  (Yeah, right…most of the time, their incredibly abyssmal *lack* of knowledge — especially their misuse of “thee” and “thou” and “thy” — serves to amuse me, so I have been known to end up spending some time playing their eager and willing disciple, just to see what drech they’ll try to fill my head up with.  Unfortunately, this is now a luxury that I cannot afford.  Oh, well…too bad, so sad.  Gee, I almost sound like an arsehole here!)

Right now, the only benefit that I can even think of,–and this is inconsequential,–is it costs less to get a buzz, and I save on my light bill.  Oh, and I also tend to get sick less.

Isn’t it great, folks?  I’ll shut up, now.  Bye.

–Sanguinarius